Saturday, April 19, 2008

Holy Christ, This Is Funny.

I don't know if it's because kids are stupid, or because I like watching other people feel stupid, or because her brother keeps telling her why what she did was such a bad idea, but goddamn. I was crying watching this.

I present, courtesy of College Humor, Stupid Ass Girl Gets Yelled At By Mom While Hilarious Brother And Friend Film And Mock Her.

I might have to check this site out more often. They brought us the very entertaining slow-mo slap last week.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Oh Man, I Gotta Start Watching This Show.

Not quite as elaborate as yesterday's post. But kind of funny.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Antiquities: The Rich History They Provide

[This is a HUGE post. If you don't have time to read, come back later. It just got away from me. But it's kind of funny. So whatever, you're an adult, make up your own mind.]

Saturday the gf and I got up and decided we were gonna have a great old day, full of fun and surprises. Turns out, we did. It was totally rad, and involved the beach, ice cream, a great People Show, thunderstorms, the purchase of khakis, drinking, salad, laughing, more drinking, a rousing game of F-M-K, and finally blinding neck pain, as we fell asleep on the couch, and I had my neck half-on, half-off, leading to me waking up almost screaming, eyes watering as I tried to make my way to bed.

All that cool crap notwithstanding, it started with a simple trip to look at antiques, of which I'm not a fan. UNLESS those "antiques" happen to be some of the silliest crap I've ever seen. Now, when a person enters an establishment with a name on the front, one would assume that whatever is written on the facade of the building is what is actually for sale inside, no? I think that's probably something we do and all take for granted, as I did yesterday when I stumbled onto some of America's greatest hidden treasures.

Forget X-marks-the-spot, this shit was right out in the open, for all the world to see and in my case, bitterly comment on. So let's begin a little trip I like to call:

"Storied Pasts, Wasted Time"

Mellencamp Family Portrait

First up, as I wander through this purported antiquery, is this photo frame, with a touching picture of John (Cougar, I don't care if he doesn't use this anymore, he's always "Cougar" to me) Mellencamp, and his slightly attractive, if not slightly weird looking wife, Elaine Irwin. I almost picked this up, because I wanted people to come to my house and be like "hey - do you know Cougar?" And I would reply, "yeah, we go back a while, met him backstage at one of the SisterKisser shows" and smirk knowingly. Passed on it though, because I just got there, and I had a feeling there was other mirth in store. Oh boy, was there ever.

Filthy Old Phone

Now, I don't know exactly when old, banged-up electronics became antiques, but if they did, and no one told me, I'm officially rich as fuck, because I have a ton of this crap lying around at my house. I mean, mountains of it. So I'm looking at this phone, and as much as I'm sure the speed dial to "Ginger" that would magically transport me back to 1983 was worth the nineteen dollars they were asking for it, I had to pass, as I already have a ton of busted-ass phones at home, and it wasn't a financially viable idea.

Waterskiing Trick Board-a-roony

I am totally at home in the water. Everyone knows this, as I constantly talk about surfing, the ocean, blah blah blah. Well, I am half a retard on a pair of water skis, and it's just something I could never get the hang of, from the one time I tried it when I was like, 9. So I moved on. But if YOU haven't, get the hell down here and pick up this sweet daredevil trick board, with ankle bracing so apparently uncomfortable, chicks will want to make out with you simply based on the angle at which you've trapped your feet on this board. Actually, after looking at how you would have to put your feet in, I thought for a second that it was actually a late 80's torture device, something Trent Reznor would have used in the video for Closer, if Closer had been written in say, 1985. Still, not quite an "antique", although at this point, I was beginning to re-write that definition in my mind anyway.

VHS Copy Of "Wild America"

Now, I love anything starring one of the kids from Home Improvement as much as the next red-blooded American douchebag, but I was a little surprised to see this here. I mean, this movie came out in 1997. Does that make my copy of Winnie the Pooh: Tigger-ific Tales (also a 1997 release) ALSO an antique? Because if so, I'm going to stop lending it out to all my friends who want to watch it and keep it in a temperature and climate controlled environment, so as to preserve its delicate imagery for all time.

Nasty Old Can Of Thyme Leaves (1977)

WHO in the fuck(!) would actually buy (and presumably use) a can of spices from 1977? I mean, I suppose if you were throwing a Star Wars: A New Hope theme party, and you wanted the cheese fondue you were making to have that little extra kick of '77 authenticity, you could toss this in, but you also might have to explain to the police why you poisoned everyone in your wacky space cult and killed them with melted cheese. It's your choice.

Any Bitch Can Cook

Clearly not an antique, but I chuckled like a 12-year old as I walked by, and wanted to show someone else.

Porcelain Doll In Pre-Nose Pick Pose

A stunning replica of a small girl about to dig for some gold, and probably eat it or smear it on something nearby is always a fitting testament to the history contained in antiques, and this example is no different. Note the pleased expression on her face, as she knows she's about to enjoy one of life's great pleasures; grabbing a big snot bullet and rolling it around in your fingers until you think of something better to do with it.

Terrifying Portrait Of Small Children

In what I can only assume is a picture of Donny and Marie Osmond as white trash children, lovingly rendered by Satan himself, is trapped the soul of each previous owner of this hellish painting. If you fall prey to it, if you buy it, entranced by its demonic charms, you will be dead within a week, your soul being forever embedded in its horrible kitschy goodness. Also, it plays "I'm A Little Bit Country" for ALL OF ETERNITY.

Or is that Baby White Trash Elvis and Priscilla? Hmm...

Depressing Clown Pictures, Depicting Financial Follies

There were two pictures, next to each other, celebrating the fact that clowns, in addition to creeping out various millions of people with their freaky faces and cannibalistic tendencies, are among the lowest paid professional entertainers in our culture. The first picture shows a clown looking into his wallet sadly, realizing that he gave up that job at Microsoft in 1978 a little bit too soon. Let us all laugh at his misfortune.

This second picture shows a clown, having finished a meal he obviously had no intention of paying for, animatedly looking at the bill and flipping out. He knew damn well he couldn't afford that food, why did he sit down? He should have eaten trash out of the dumpster like clowns are supposed to! Silly bastard, I hope that dog chews your ass half to death.

Perverted Doll Seemingly About To Reveal A Raging Erection

I don't know what the hell this is supposed to be, but there were two of these too, but I thought showing one was probably even too much. It looks like he's about to drop trou and blast everyone within striking distance with a big load of freaky plastic doll splatz. Unbeknownst to me, celebrating the rich heritage of public exhibitionism is considered an antique.

"Barbarino Goes To A Rave"

This guy was sitting next to the perv dolls. I looked at it, and tried for a second to come up with what exactly it was supposed to be. I got:

G.I. Joe's Gay Younger Brother Bruce


Vinnie Barbarino in "Party" Clothes.

Ultimately, I leave it up to you.

Novelty Giant Heineken Bottle Piggy Bank

Well, apparently, the kind of dreck you usually see not filled with coins, as was its original purpose, but instead fashioned into a mega-bong at a frat house is now considered a collectible piece of Americana. Who knew?

Abandoned Infant On Musty, Spooky Second Floor of Store

Someone brought a baby to the store, and clearly disturbed and horrified by the terrors within, ran out so quickly, that they left the giant plastic baby behind, to haunt the second floor of the store, and all of its smelly old furniture.

And finally,

Norman Rockwell Pornographic Female Subjugation Propaganda

Hmm... "An Orange Crush"... whatever could that mean? Oh, I get it! They're drinking Orange Crush soda! Oh, haha, Rockwell, you cad, where do you come up with them?

Oh, wait, her hair is orange too. Huh. You know it's just a hop, skip and a jump to the guy asking, "Does the carpet match the drapes? HAWHAWHAW!". Look at his expression! He may have already whispered it to her. And I could really do without the weird old guy in the back, gesturing wildly like he's either auctioning her off as a sex slave or trying to promote some radical dictator-y ideal. Or (more likely), he could be saying to the guy, "I assure you, young man, the carpet most certainly DOES match the drapes! Indubitably!"

Any way you slice it, a filthy, dirty piece of Americana Porn. Gross!

Well, there were seriously about a million other things I almost took pictures of too, but my head almost exploded from these right here, and I almost broke both my wrists trying to write all this. So if you made it this far, godblessya. I'm off to have a drink. And to try and forget about the utter horrors within the "antique" store.