Sunday, January 20, 2008

As Seen On... TV? No Wonder I Hate TV So Much...

I found myself in a CVS the other day, waiting for a prescription to be filled, and had about 10 minutes on my hands. After a brief tour of the store in search of a good episode of The People Show, I found myself in the Crap Aisle. Giggling with glee at my good fortune, the wheels of blog post birth began turning, and I quickly snapped a few pics for later examination with my phone.

So here we go, all aboard the Garbage Train of Consumer Retardation.

Overly Gigantic Ridiculous Non-Party Gag Remote Control

This was the first item I came across, and I regret now not putting my hand in the picture for a sense of scale. Suffice to say, this thing was big. Without exaggeration, let's say each button was about the size of a half-dollar coin. Now look at all those buttons. Yeah, it was like a laptop with none of the functionality. I tried to think who would actually want this tabletop-sized remote. On the package it made some mention of "never lose your remote again!" and then it came into focus: the ideal customer for this product would be some dunderhead who constantly misplaces his/her remotes, and the reason this was so big was so that anyone in the room when that person says "where the hell's the remote?" could easily swing this thing with enough velocity to actually cave in the idiot's skull and then return to television watching immediately thereafter.

Annoying Voice Recorder Thingy

Then there's this piece of utter crap. I've seen a commercial for this where the people are so excited to remember that they need toilet paper in the supermarket that they nearly shit their britches with joy. Do you really think that any other shoppers need to hear your dumbass shopping list as you wander blindly around the store, oblivious to how stupid you actually look? Try a post-it note. You can write things on there, and then stick it to your moron head so you don't forget to bring it to the supermarket, because really, that's the trick - you forget your witless digital personal assistant, and you're right back to soiling yourself in the store - for the wrong reason.

Oh, it's also good for remembering where you parked your car in a crowded shopping center. No more crying while you wait for everyone else to leave so you can find your car! You children will never go hungry again as they wait for you to miss cooking dinner because you're a dumb shit and can't remember basic simple things! Your husband will never beat you again because he hates himself so much for marrying a functionally retarded adult!

Digital Photo Album for Losers

From the makers of Annoying Voice Recorder Thingy comes yet another wasteful use of circuit boards and AAA batteries! Yes, it's a small boxy item into which you can clumsily add digital pictures you took poorly with the camera your family got you that you haven't really figured out how to work yet! I hate to tell them, but their target market for this item is not the kind that deciphers instructions well, or deals with technology in general very comfortably. But don't let that stop you, the dim-bulb consumer from enjoying almost getting this little thing to kind of work. Bet you can't wait to impress your friends around the water cooler with this little doohickey, huh? By the way, I imagine the picture viewing quality of this "tool of the future" is tantamount to sticking a small picture into one of those clear acrylic keychains that allows you to do so, but then adding about 6 years of in-pocket weathering and dropping them in puddles of beer and Fritos.

Tater Mitts

If I start, I'll never stop.

Deliciously Packaged Hair Trimma-ma-bob

I'm assuming the magic and majesty of the Flowbee inspired this magnificent device, as well as the need to possibly give yourself a Supercuts-quality haircut anytime, anywhere. The seasoned gentleman on the package really looks like he's benefited from the introduction of this wonderful mini-appliance into his life, and who are we to argue? Clearly there's a financial motivator at play as well, as it loudly proclaims "saves money on haircuts!" right on the front of the package. I'll let you in on a little secret. Remember the Epilady shrieks of pain heard 'round the world way back when? Well, you'd better take the money you saved on haircuts and start investing in ear plugs if this thing catches on, because a battery-operated haircut is never a safe bet for painlessly maintaining one's appearance. And your own screams of agony are liable to deafen you as you struggle to drag those demon's teeth through your greasy mop of hair.

Ok, last one.

Push Up Rotaty Thing That Makes Your Prison Workout That Much More Effective

Now, I actually saw these on TV last week, and they seemed like something I'd be interested in. That is if every time I did a push up I didn't feel like my heart was going to explode out my neck hole, through my skull, splattering my hopes for sweet triceps and pecs all over my nerd-tastic anime wall hangings. I always feel like I should be doing more while doing as little as possible, and this kind of thing seemed like a few bucks spent in the right direction. Then I saw this:


I'll level with you. I don't want my breasts to have some cavernous space between them. Is this the net result of using this product? She looks like she's bound those things so tightly, they're being sucked back into her chest cavity just under her armpits. And if it's not the shirt making an optitcal (ha!) illusion occur before my eyes, and that's what I have to look forward to after a few weeks with the Amazing Push Up Twisty Things, well then, no thank you sir, count me out. I work hard enough at not getting little girl man-boobs all winter long to have them lifted and separated in some freaky-ass way like this poor unwitting victim. I'll just wait to start surfing again, let nature take its course, and hope the gf is none the wiser in the meantime.

Well, I'm off. Hope you enjoyed spending time with the latest and greatest American innovation has to offer. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world hates our freedom so much?