So I wasn't sure whether or not to put this video above or below the post, but I figured everyone should have the opportunity I had just now; that is to see it first, with virgin eyes, and then begin thinking about it.
I give you, The Snuggie.
*EDIT: I removed the video because I was tired of it autoplaying, and didn't feel like hearing it every time I checked on something. It was tormenting me. If you want to see it, click the link above.*
Now let's talk about this for a second.
Were you aware that blankets had become so woefully ineffective at guarding our frail human bodies against the evils of the dark winter demons? Last time I checked, my blankets were still fully functional, nor did they slip off of me, as they do in the beginning of the commercial, because I have the luxury of opposable thumbs, which apparently, this woman does not. Poor dear. In addition to that, if I want to reach for something, my hands are "trapped inside"! Damn it! I hate when my couch throws become sentient and refuse to release my appendages to do such common things as answer telephones and use a remote control, while they secretly plan my demise.
Thank heaven for the Snuggie. It's just in time to save humanity from the enslavement of nefarious blanket forces.
It's ostensibly a way to cover yourself up like a fruity little monk, because that's what the old dude totally looks like. The family's appearance, however, says something closer to "cult", where the board games and marshmallow roastings are pleasant diversions from the group's ultimate goals of spreading the good word of Jesus/alien overlords/Rachael Ray/etc by any means necessary. But it's good to know that you can cuddle your baby or pet without getting totally gross baby or pet juices and secretions all over your nice clothes. Fuck that.
No longer will the tyranny of having people mock you for fashion choices prevent you from living a normal life, because all your friends and acquaintances will have Snuggies too. The scene with the football game reminds me of Logan's Run, with everyone in their little future color suits and waiting for Carousel to "renew" them. Watch that movie at least once or twice, by the way. Sci-fi classic. But I digress. All the high-fiving in the world and general ebullience of a public sporting event can't change the fact that you look like a fucking alien trying to look normal in human society. I mean, if you are bat-shit crazy enough to wear this thing out of the house, you might as well just jerk your car into a ravine because you don't belong here. Also, everyone hates you. Even your friends.
That being said, I can totally see my mom getting behind a product like this, because she is always cold, and the kind of person that balls herself up on a couch to watch a movie and is sound asleep before the 8-minute mark. Being totally ensconced in a fleecey wonderland is probably her idea of paradise. But even she knows enough not to walk outside in it, even to say hello to a neighbor, because then her "secret" would be out.
So I am going to start drinking now, and hopefully will be able to do it enough to forget that I saw this commercial to begin with. I suggest you do the same, lest you be seduced by its warm warming warmingness. ORDER NOW!
(because you can, of course, get 2 for the price of 1, plus 2 little book light thingies.)
Oh - and sorry I didn't comment back at all on my last post - I had to fix something in my settings and wasn't getting notifications. Thanks to all who were nice enough to wish me well on this totally rad crap that happened.