Thursday, June 14, 2007

Hutt-tastrophe

Someone brought this into work for me yesterday, and I almost laughed my ass clean off.

It's some kind of "young reader Star Wars adventure' called Zorba the Hutt's Revenge. Apparently the story revolves around Han Solo wanting to marry Leia, and some other evil guy wants her to be his dark bride, yada yada yada.

Unbeknownst to me, and that's saying something, Zorba is Jabba's dad, and was let's just say, a little TO'd that he perished at Leia's hand on that SWEEEET party boat on Tattooine. I really should have known that, but I haven't finished reading my complete Star Wars Chronology yet. It's pretty freaking long. Stop laughing.

ANYWHO, I can't wait to add this tale of simmering revenge to my summer reading list, and believe me, I will report back as to how truly AWESOME this story gets. In the meantime, please enjoy the cover art, and feel free to search it out on Amazon to get your own copy.

Sometimes...

I just sit at work, and listen to the parade of asinine statements that spills forth from the humans around me, and I can actually feel my brain sizzling in my skull. No joke - I close my eyes, and there's a perceptible popping sound within my head, kind of like the sound that a hamburger makes when it hits the grill at first.

And I just love saying things over and over again. The fact that no one listens to anything anymore is just so... great. It's like Groundhog Day. I just have the same conversations over and over again.

Sizzle, sizzle.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Afternoon delight

"I think I was in love once."

"Really? What was her name?"

"I don't remember."

"That's not a good start, but keep going..."

"She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again."

"I'm pretty sure that's not love."

"Damn it."

And while I'm thinking about it...

Someone last week actually made the dumbass mistake of saying something to me to the effect of "It's just not fair what they're doing to Paris. They're just making an example of her. And for what?"

Hmm... let me see.

Someone who has all the values of a transient, drug-addled prostitute rises to a position of such fame and notoriety in the world that young girls now aspire to be nothing more than vacant, brainless coke whores who videotape their "intimate" moments and then act "surprised" and "dismayed" when they surface because the dirtbag they chose to share those same intimate moments with has no sense of decency, and I'm being unfair? (sorry for the run-on, there)

And I'm supposed to feel that she's experiencing some kind of injustice? I'm sorry, I was under the impression that she broke the law somehow.

Oh, wait, she did? She violated her drunk-driving probation and was caught with a suspended license three times? Well, it is Paris, after all, right? I mean, we can't have fabulous people like that brushing their teeth next to gross people with bad hair and skin.

ANY OTHER PERSON would have had his/her ass handed to them in exactly the same fashion. Why should this pig get any special treatment? Because she has money? She's a cultural VIRUS. I'm praying someone gives her the beating of her life in that place.

And when the hell exactly, did we start celebrating NOT having a talent? It used to be that you actually had to DO something to be recognized in the spotlight. Not anymore, though! Oh no, sir! You can do absolutely NOTHING and be just as famous as say, an Oscar-winning director, or more famous than a scientist who's actually making the world a better place.

I really should just stop, because my head is actually getting hot (literally) thinking about this. And if I keep going, it's going to just go right off the rails and become some kind of Jerry Maguire manifesto, and we all know how that ended. With an annoying scrunchy faced actress onscreen for far too long. And that kid who was sort of cute talking about how heavy his giant melon head was, and is now probably a degenerate or something.

Who knows. Maybe he's not.

But I know someone who is...!



No, not her. That's Scrunchy-Puss.

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

iPhone hysteria is RIDICULOUS! Please please PLEASE people! Either get something to keep you busy for the next few weeks so you don't have to keep doing this, or just kill yourself and do everyone a big fat favor. The newest debate? Has the iPhone changed size since it was introduced...?

Well? Has it?

Let's see. Hmmm... I know I saw it somewhere around here... empirical evidence... oh yes, there it is.

iPhone before - at its first "reveal"



and now




Now, to the naked (stupid) eye, it looks smaller, right? You idiot! That's because the hand holding it is so much bigger! See it now, you big silly?

Ha ha! Oh, Apple, you truly are the master of visual trickery! Now that that's been settled can we all go back to what's really important? Which is, of course, talking about that walking social dumpster Paris Hilton and her totally justifiable prison sentence.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Mr. Wizard, we love ya.

Another bit of news from Boing Boing, only not so frivolous:

Mr. Wizard (1917-2007)

I used to love this show as a kid. He was so cool. It was that and Today's Special, and Nick Rocks, and I was a happy kid.

We'll miss you, Don.

LOLcats FTW!

Ok. I freaking LOVE LOLcats. They are super funny and make me laugh because they're cute, but not sicky cute that makes you want to hurt something to compensate for the cuteness overload.

And I found an awesome site that has bunch of them just a moment ago...

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Enjoy. If yr cool, that is, and not a total loser who hates fun.

Right. I thought so.

Saw this guy yesterday on engadget (again, love spills out all over the place, not in a dirty way). Zune tattoo.



Does this even require commentary?

This guy obviously has nothing in his life worth celebrating, as he's chosen for his vehicle of expression the half-assed logo (better things are doodled daily on the notebooks of 7th graders) for a sub-par media player, launched not to garner its own place in the gadget market, but solely to steal iPod thunder. The expression could say:


"I'm the first to do it! Yeah, Zune! But... oh Christ, what the hell was I thinking with this?"

"Now THAT'S something that Tiffany's NEW boyfriend DOESN'T have!"

"It's too small for my big fat walrus arm!"



but most likely, along the lines of the initial one,

"I am a stupid idiot, and everyone will be right when they say it, whether unspoken in their own minds or out loud in front of me."


Feel free to add to the "thoughts of a moron" in your comments.

Huh?

I just read a Boing Boing (LOVE it, so much every day, like vitamins) post that stated that the new White Stripes album is going to be available on USB 2.0 thumbdrives with 512mb capacities, shaped like Meg and Jack. I kind of dig the WS, not enough to crap my pants with glee at the prospect of another record, but ok, whatever.

Here's the thing. To the best of my understanding, the set of two USB drives with two copies of the album in Apple Lossless Format costs $99.

Huh?

The last time I checked, Newegg was practically giving away drives this big, as everyone's moved on to giant giga-something drives. And the last time I checked, an album on the iTunes store was, let's say, between 10 and 20 dollars, depending on the title. Fair enough?

So, did I miss something? I mean, they're cute as pie and all, but really, $99? Seriously? No offense to folks who love WS, but come on. For that much, you should be getting something else. Because I'm not against charging that much for something, but give me my money's worth at least. Like a t-shirt. And dinner. And a back rub from Meg, because she's kind of cute in that weird-girl-you-wouldn't-want
-to-really-date-but-you'd-hang-out-with-her because she's probably into some weird crap or something. And drink coasters. Perhaps a poster I'll never hang. You know, something.

Am I wrong? Or is asking almost a hundred dollars for an album that may or may not be that good stuck on a near-useless piece of re-writeable memory too much?

UPDATE: Only 3,333 of each (Meg and Jack) are being produced. Does that change anything for anyone?

Sweet mother of mercy, it's been a long day.

For reasons I don't need to go into, I was out of the office all day today, and on the road. I actually tried posting from my Treo, but ran into some trouble because I was almost able to do it perfectly, but then the "publish" button was non-functional. Whatever. Anyway, I found myself in Camden, NJ "on business". Don't even need to tell you why I was there, either, because it's a moot point. The point is, NO ONE should find themselves in Camden.

I knew there was a reason that I never attended concerts at the Tweeter Center, and now I know what that reason is. I am afraid of Camden. It is not a pretty place, nor is it a pleasant-feeling place. On the way in, I thought to myself, "well, this is certainly the type of area in which one might find him/herself in the path of a stray bullet, or perhaps become the unwitting victim of a carjacking". But I had to be there, and the day ended up being productive, so it wasn't a total loss.

However, I simply must implore all who posit the question "Is Camden for me?" to take stock of the things that matter to you in life, and decide if you want to run the risk of never seeing them again. This may comprise any number of things, from loved family members, or pets to your complete collection of Mork and Mindy trading cards. Whatever it is in your life that means something, look to it as reason not to visit Camden.

On a somber note, I was presented with the reality of "Life in the Streetz" when on my way in, I was reminded of the fragility of this crazy, sometimes puzzling void we call life.



Rest in peace, Boom-Boom. Rest in peace.



Monday, June 11, 2007

For those who know me...

All my BFFs know I'm a FREAK for Star Wars. These same people know that I love gadgetry almost as much as I love Wild Turkey, aka God's Little Thank-You To Me For Not Bringing About The Apocalypse Too Early.

Today, as some of you may know, Steve Jobs gave his keynote at the World Wide Developers' Conference, or WWDC for the geek-initiated. Among the topics were some interesting things, Safari for Windows (what-ev, I *heart* Firefox), Leopard details (something about saving backups of your data in a wormhole in space, I don't know, I just looked at pictures without reading), and more iPhone rah-rah (is anyone else freakin' SICK of hearing about this already?).

I mean seriously. I think the iPhone is super cool and all, but enough is enough. The buzz surrounding this thing is deafening, and everyone will have one, just like the ubiquitous iPod (yes, I have one, and I *heart* it too...) but I don't need to see it EVERY SINGLE DAY ON EVERY TECH BLOG I READ. Surely the world has something else going on in it other than wild iPhone speculation, which at this point is ridiculous anyway, because it's coming out in less than 3 weeks. But whatever. I digress.

Another application, iChat, which I personally never use, because I'm a Skyper, has the absolute COOLEST news EVAR! Apparently, you can alter your video presence within iChat to make yourself look like, WAIT FOR IT... a hologram from STAR WARS!

OMG!

I can finally fully embrace my Sith-ness with this application! I may have to start spreading the word of iChat now, so that by the time I get the updates, I can have a full army of viewers! It's almost too cool to believe. I may pass out.

I love awesome things. Especially awesome things that most people don't give a crap about or would tease me for liking. But I know Lioux will be excited too, and I can only hope that he hears it from me FIRST!

How dumb are we, really?

For an official kick-off, I thought I would start with something that pretty much sums up how I feel about our society, and that's essentially that we are, as a culture, and as a people, getting dumber by the minute. You can see it in the proliferation of warnings on just about everything, from a cup of hot coffee (careful! it MIGHT just be hot!), to the toy commercial that lets me know I won't *actually* be transported to another galaxy to battle devious space freaks. And here, I thought that my 20 dollars would truly enable effortless interstellar travel with a promise of a better life as a galactic cowboy.

There's become an inherent need to safeguard our fragile minds from anything "terrible" (read: consequence occurring in actual, real life) that might actually befall us, as though up until this point, we were riding shotgun with fate, while he guzzles whiskey and swerves back and forth all over Death's Dark Highway.

Whatever did we do before we had people to watch our every move with such compassion? I mean, essentially what it boils down to is that we have enabled an entire generation of people who REFUSE to take responsibility for their actions. No one owns up to anything anymore! It's usually a mix of "exhaustion", "legally prescribed medication from a doctor", and "stress". Not to mention being a general dumbass.

I still can't believe that the same country that was ballsy enough to break away from England and incite the Revolutionary War actually awarded someone money for being stupid enough to order that hot coffee, spill it on her lap, and then complain that the beverage she bought was hot. Rather than publicly mocking, then beating her mercilessly for being an idiot.

Really America? Really? Is this the legacy you want to leave for the world? They're going to forget really quickly about all the cool stuff we did if this keeps up, and with the way reality TV is sucking all the remaining intelligence away from our population, it may be sooner than you think.

But thinking can be dangerous. Don't try this at home.

The Debate

So I find myself wondering, with this newfound venue for my thoughts, what the rules are for swearing. I mean, on one hand, I feel like I should make this arena as cerebral as possible while still maintaining a steady bead on the things that make me crazy. On the other hand, I *love* cursing. It's like the most enjoyable thing I think I have in life.

There are just events in life that occur, and the only way to live through them, describe them to others, or otherwise come to terms with what's happening/happened is to let fly a litany of profane language that would otherwise make Baby Jesus cry.

I think I may tread the line closely... that is to say, saying bad words for the heck of it (see? already I'm self-monitoring) is a fool's game. Like a 3rd grade fool. Like the kid in your neighborhood who's a little trashy but whose parents let him have a quad even though it's totally dangerous. And your parents want you to have friends but don't like that particular style of parenting, and by that I mean drinking PBR and smoking Kools while Lil' Johnny experiments with airplane glue and then finds a BB gun to shoot the next-door neighbor's cat's hindquarters. But the draw to the kid is overwhelming because you know something rad is totally going to happen because he asked you to camp out in the woods and he's got an older brother. And you know what that means.

So, to sum up, there may be occasional peppering of salty language, but we can all handle it, right? Because I promise, it'll be within the context of the post. Never just to push buttons. Unless the post is all about pushing buttons.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

A most inauspicious beginning.

Well, it was only a matter of time, I suppose.

After several of my BFFs started experimenting, and everyone said, "if anyone should have a snarky blog riddled with icy epiphanies about humankind, it's you!" I have finally relented. I've joined the crew, and begun what may either be a great way for me to exorcise the misanthropic demons I've been harboring my entire life, or a total and complete waste of my time and the time of anyone who manages to stumble onto this little piece of the INtarW3bs.

First, some thank yous.

Lioux, of Damn You Dan fame, for making this look so appealing and fun that it forced my hand, in a good way. Commence commenting. Great job at the show the other night, by the way, lovey. Sorry about snaking the color scheme, but it's the best one, right?

My band, SisterKisser, without whom many of my most HI-larious and insightful observations may have never been realized. Guys, this summer, when we tour, we're going to have dual-blogger fury at all times, swinging the swords of snotty retorts at every turn.

And finally, the people of Earth, without whom I would probably be content, happy, and able to live without being completely perturbed each time I leave my house. It is for all of your bad fashion and social decisions, asinine taste in television, and overwhelming need to reduce our once-promising culture to ashes that I do this.

And with that, I'm loading up a few rounds of righteous indignation. We're off, kids...